How does a bloke with early onset expect to become Prime Minister?

Well this is awkward. The Labor Party has presented a candidate kicking the tyres of a prime ministership who not only has a record for lacking judgment, like which Labor Party leader to backstab.

Billy Shorten forgets his recent decisions made, like about Adani. He gets confused about what electorate he is campaigning in, like when in Queensland he supports the Adani coal mine, but when in Tasmania he doesn’t.

Poor Billy can’t add up like with all his pork barrelling electoral promises. Is it a $3 billion black hole or a $6.3 billion one?

What a waste of his elitist private schooling at Melbourne’s exclusive Xavier College. Billy has difficulty answering basic questions like how much his brainsnap policies will cost – like $1 billion cancer fighting fund, or was it $55 million fund to slash cancer waitng times? Or was it his pledge last week for a $2.3 billion cancer care package. “Cancer’s scary,’’ Billy reckons.

Bill at a press conference thinking aren’t they lovely clouds? Why don’t people leave me alone?

Or actually was it his $433 million fund for new bulk-billed Medicare items for consultations. Or was it his $250 million pledge for some fund to get people off elective surgery waiting lists? Wait on, nuh Labor’s announced a new $2.3 billion Medicare Cancer Plan. It’s all too confusing.

And Bill reckons childcare workers need a 20% taxpayer funded payrise. This week he’s announced that a Labor government would set up an NDIS Future Fund, his so-called “locked box” to ensure some $22 billion scheme gets funded.

“Nuh, need more than that to exceed Rudd” – Bowen’s Outlaw Union Gang.

Bill’s got problems with language, especially complicated words and concepts like:

‘negative gearing’
‘capital gains tax’
‘franking credits’
‘dividend imputation credits’
‘haematological cancers’
‘MRI scans’
and that word..’tax’
or even that really, really longish word…’superannuation’.

It’s all a complex muddle-headed jumble of claims and numbers; way beyond Billy’s grasp.

But Bill is certain about ‘climate change’ which he is convinced is the critical issue. He reckons it just can’t be costed, saying “Money will be useless if we run out of oxygen.” Or is it carbon dioxide?

Leukaemia magical cures one day, climate change and asylum seekers the next, and then it’s on to superannuation. Bill after his morning run around Swan River in Perth told journos: “We have no plans to increase taxes on superannuation. We have no plans to introduce any new taxes on superannuation…no one will lose a cent.”

But then he had forgotten that Labor’s treasurer in the shadows Chris Bowen in March 2018 announced abolishing a number of concessions, thresholds and deductions, including proposed ban on excess franking credits claimed by self-funded retirees – basically a self-funded retiree tax. The changes will mean $34 billion in higher taxes on superannuation, and a $54 billion tax on retirees. Woops.

So after consulting his campaign carer, Christine Keneally later in Adelaide, Bill said he had misunderstood the question. “I thought I was being asked do we have any unannounced changes to superannuation, and we’ve already made the announcements of the changes we’re going to make…I should have picked my words better”, recalling his famous quip: “These people opposite are the cheese-eating surrender monkeys of Australian jobs.”

But the journalist pressed him: “Mr Shorten, the question on superannuation yesterday was very clear. It’s hard to believe that you misunderstood it. You could easily have specified that you only meant you would add no more policies on top of the ones already announced. Does it not look dishonest, like you’re trying to hide something, when you don’t mention that?”

Shoe-in PM struggles at a sausage sizzle

The Labor leader has been described as “shifty” for refusing to answer key policy questions, deleting reams of information from his website, being caught in a fib and bickering with media. It emerged yesterday dozens of pages of detail about Mr Shorten’s negative gearing policy had suddenly disappeared from Labor’s website. Overnight, an entire section outlining the party’s plan for superannuation also disappeared.

Bill said: “Look I am not shifty. It’s just been a busy day and I need a lie down.”

Then Bill was asked by a journalist: “How much revenue are your policies going to raise?”

Billy quickly sidestepped, handing that difficult question over to Shadow Treasurer Chris Bowen, who eventually specified the measures would raise $30 billion over the medium term, probably.

“So you’re telling me there’s a chance!” – future goofy PM Shorten and Treasurer Bowen.

Really scary!

Bill Shorten’s having an absolute shocker on his campaign trail. He’s gone all narky and snarky with reporters asking too many questions, probably due to him forgetting to take medication for his personality flair ups.

“Get up in this unlosable election, I’m a safer bet than Winx.”

Bill: “But I tell you what, if you want to get in the horse race, and pick the horse which is going to do better things for your superannuation, then vote Labor.”

Next-question Bill struggles, avoids questions, waffles on, mishears, sidesteps. Back on the bus Bill. On to another spending announcement on the campaign trail before the pesky journos overwhelm me with questions about the details and costings.

The blue one was taken, but where are the windows?

Bill says he will boost the leftist ABC propaganda machine to spruik Greens-Labor policies and resettle all asylum seekers on perpetual welfare in Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane. ” I believe a Labor government can actually make sure that we don’t have to have people on Manus and Nauru, because we will prioritise resettling people.”

“I haven’t lost yet, so I can’t answer”.

“But while I’m here I pledge another $107 million to battle Indigenous disadvantage in justice system. What day is it again?”

Bill feigns faux outrage over climate change. ‘We need to be bold’. In my first 50 days in office we’ll have a Kumbayah Rudd Summit with the CFMMMEU, Lachlan Murdoch, Cate Blanchett and Roz Ward. If elected, I will have a mandate, indeed a “moral authority” to tax ya till ya drop. I will dispatch me CFMMEU sheriffs to collect $157 billion in taxes over the next decade.