COVID-19 is the best thing that ever happened to Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews. Not only does he love the fact that the bug came from China, his favourite country on earth, but he is loving the power he has assumed. As such, Victorians are now under lockdown number #45856.

Andrews has long modelled his premiership on President Xi Jinping of the CCP. Much does he admire that funny little Pooh-bear lookalike. His entire leadership model is based on everything that Xi does, and as such, he knows that COVID will give him all the excuses he needs to remain in charge indefinitely. This appears to be his plan.

This is why he is treating the Victorians to the old wallet-on-a-string trick. Do you know that old one? You tie a wallet to a fishing line string, keep out of sight as you throw the wallet on a pavement, and when a greedy scumbag tries to pick it up you keep pulling it away from them. Think of freedom as the wallet and Andrews as the bastard holding the string. As such, starting yesterday, seven million Victorians are back under Andrews’ strict lockdown measures. Heaps of cops wearing masks will be patrolling the streets waiting to cite rebellious old grannies who forget their mask or who are outdoors without the proper papers. Andrews will be sitting in the office of his politburo watching all the action on the cops’ bodycams. He high-fives himself every time they detain someone.

Then, he gets back to his endless viewing of hours upon hours of President Xi’s speeches, which he mimics in a wall-length mirror he had installed. Dressed in his Chairman Mao cap, he thunders at the Victorian people and threatens to smack their collective bottoms.

See, there can be no end to these lockdowns as long as Dictator Dan is in charge. He resents the fact that Australia isn’t under the control of the CCP (read, Labor Party) and as such, he’s using this opportunity to create his independent state within the federalism. The latest bullshit concerns a virulent ‘London-borne’ strain of the virus. It’s a squillion times more deadly than the one that’s hardly affected anybody in Australia. That’s today, tomorrow it’s likely to be the Spanish strain or the Maldivian variety. Who knows? As long as people keep buying into this, it can go on forever, and if Dicky-eared Dan gets his way, it will. He even has the support of the man who calls himself the Australian Prime Minister. He has backed this latest round of freedom suppression in the name of a nonexistent slightly-more-symptomatic strain of the flu.

Of course, it helps that nobody is mentioning how in China, from where the flu was produced, life is back to what they call normal.

And, the blame isn’t anything you ever want to heap on Dictator Dan. He doesn’t do disapproval. No, if somebody is to blame, it has to be someone else. He won’t tolerate criticism from mere mortals, especially if they’re whining Victorians. He will decide what is acceptable or not and his standards come straight from Emperor Xi. This is why you will find columnists and talk show hosts prattling on about Services Australia and ministers you’ve never heard of in Dan’s cabinet. You’ll hear references to obscure departments and the blame travels around and around, pretty much, just like the virus. It mutates and attacks different hosts, but Danny boy is immune.

All that Victorians will ever need to know will arrive in the form of a little red book which contains strict instructions on how to think and act if they want to avoid prosecution under Dan’s new Dictator Laws. Dan has spent his time in the lockdown writing this book from a translation of the as yet unpublished book by Xi Jinping, which goes under the unwieldy title of How To Be Utterly Miserable And Grateful For It If You Wish To Keep All Your Vital Organs From Being Sold To Wealthy Arab Sheiks.

 Pretty soon, Dan is going to have a huge glass dome dropped over the state of Victoria, just like in that movie The Simpsons. Nobody will be able to get in or out and a colossal curtain will be pulled down over it so that it’s permanently dark in Dan’s Victoria. All we can say to the residents of Vic is, well, you voted for the big-eared prick.